Look Up

Yesterday I parallel parked for the very first time. As you can see from this low-quality camera phone picture, it wasn't exactly a tight fit, but being the expert driver I am(ha), I still had plenty of trouble with it. I would've rather parked blocks away but my dear friend Taimi insisted that I learn to parallel park right NOW. I was somewhat dissentful. Also, I don't see myself applying my newfound makeshift skill in the future. Mainly because I don't think I could do it again without taking a good 10 or 15 minutes and having someone with me. So oh well.

Speaking of Tai, well, I love her. We met late last school year, bonding through our similar experiences of having moved out of our mothers' homes. And this summer we've grown to be close friends ... unfortunately, she's leaving Thursday until Christmastime and I've got another solid two years of high school. My other close friend, Lauren, left early Wednesday morning ... and it was so hard to say goodbye. So very bittersweet. I met Lauren the summer before 8th grade and have always looked up to her, but only in the past year or so have we become real friends. And I've loved it, and I love her. And honestly, it has been rough just these past few days, knowing it'll be months till I'll see her again, but at least I can take comfort in the fact that any pain I feel comes only from loving deeply. So it still sucks, and how dramatic to say this, but I'd sacrifice happiness for love any day. I know that I'll have this great love as long as I hold on to it -- and I know that with this, I'll never be empty.

So I'm afraid of this year, to be honest. I mean, I'll embrace the best of it, I'll tackle it with vivacity ... I know I'll be okay. I can't believe I have another whole summer of this, though, amazing times, bittersweet goodbyes, and being left behind. On one hand I'm afraid of letting myself go in some ways, this year, but when I think about it, I want Lauren & Tai to come home and be proud of the way I've changed. I know I'll feel weak, but cliche as it sounds, I just want to be true to myself. Before she left, Lauren wrote me a card and said the simplest thing, but it made so much sense: "if you're not proud of yourself, I probably won't be either." And it just helped sharpen my perspective so much ... I just want to be the best person I can be, for the people I love, and for myself.

Seeing my friends getting ready to head off to 'real life' has really made me excited about college for the first time. I want to get out of state, get out of the Jesuit kids social circle after high school, experience as many new things as possible. I want to see so much and meet interesting people and love throughout it all. Although I fear this year, I also have an inner strength, in that, for the first time, really ... well I may not know exactly who I am or what I'm going to do, but I know who I want to be. And where I want to go. And I think just knowing this and wanting this will take me as far as I will go.

"Maybe, as sure as tomorrow will come."
[Iron & Wine]

posted by Allison Francis @ 2:04 PM