Look Up

So. It's a Friday night and I'm home, re-grounded. Rough week? You could say that. Especially considering the fact that I just wrote a short conversation with myself. Hmm.

The thing about school is, I don't mind the education. With the exception of the already heavy homework load, the concept of going to classes and electives to obtain skills and knowledge is alright, you know? Sure, there are other things I'd rather do, but learning can be fun. However, that's not really what school is about anymore; at least, that's how it feels like at Jesuit. It's about who you're sitting next to and whether you're better than them or not and whether you're dressed well enough and OMG-you've-got-to-be-kidding-me-she-went-down-on-WHO??? And I'd rather just avoid all of that. This made clear, my classes are alright -- I'm still feeling out a few teachers but I like my religion teacher and my history teacher a lot, so I'm looking forward to getting to know them better. My trig teacher is Vietnamese and speaks rapidly with a heavy accent so I'm honestly counting on his online lecture notes to get through the year surviving math. I don't like my Spanish teacher either because he is extremely OCD and also somewhat hard to tolerate based on the fact that he talks to his students as if we were fifth graders. Whatever.

And school-school, the social aspect? I can't say I'm digging it. It's not like I feel rejected by any people or group but I never really feel like I'm a part of anything, either. I've got a very few but very awesome close friends, then the people who get offended when I say I don't have that many friends(because there's a difference between people you talk to at school and people you actually spend time with), then the people I pretty much despise for one reason or another, then the many faces and bodies that don't really mean much to me. Let me stop here and say that it's as obvious to me as it is to everyone else that my attitude isn't really a big help to how I've been feeling. It's just harder to motivate myself to be happier, and so easy to just let myself be sad. You know? Because I know I'm not the only one. But it's just not as easy to connect with people when the people I've connected with the best are gone and no one is really at all like them. In my eyes, at least.

Speaking of that, Tai left Thursday morning. I was already grounded but as I'd previously told my dad, after Tai leaves there's really nothing he can take away from me that I would miss -- considering the three people I hang out with most often I'll rarely see during cross country season, anyways. So I got a ride from a couple other graduates, Margaret & Megan, and we went to Red Robin with Tai. The girls had to leave, and after they did Tai and I took the MAX and headed over to Sam's house for dinner. I felt awkward, for some reason, which was weird because I feel totally welcome and embraced by Sam's family, but the conversation got so strained/strange(?) that I went so far as to compliment Mr. & Mrs. White on their light fixtures. What can I say, I'm a charmer.

And then. Tai, Sam, and I went and laid out in the hammock together. Fingers interlocked and legs tangled up and laughter mixing with whispers and tears. And as we sat there holding each other I couldn't decide whether I was trying to hold on to my youth or run far away from this heartwrenching in-between stage and let it all go. And this is maybe the first time that I've felt --- or at least that I've admitted I've felt -- that I want to move on. I want to be ready to go. I felt like we three were a picture of the Iron & Wine album Our Endless Numbered Days. It was just one of those totally beautiful and bittersweet teenage moments, though, you know?

Then came the goodbyes. Which I won't dwell on for long. Taimi drove me home and we stood out in the driveway for a bit, working up to the summer's end. We hugged goodbye and maybe cried and that was it. ...and I was trekking up the hill to my front door where my dad's figure stood with crossed arms, and all he said was, "we'll talk about your consequences tomorrow". So thanks, Dad. Of all the things you could have chosen to say, I hope you're glad with what you settled on. Because it sure as hell inspired me to hope for the future. But in case anyone wants to know, I'm grounded again, through my pre-birthday weekend. Pretty lame but it's not like I had any big plans anyways, right?

And yeah. Today was the Green & Gold Cross Country time trial -- basically an unofficial race -- and I sucked it up. This is getting pretty long so I won't write too much about that but basically I ran worse than I did last year and my run today decreased my chances of lettering this year by about a million. It's not like running has ever been my number one priority, but I do care, and it's just another discouragement. Whatever, I don't think I could live myself with I quit, so of course I'll keep trying.

Stay with me?

"And if it's over, just remember what I told you
It was bound to happen, so just keep moving on
There are no perfect endings."
[The Perfect Ending, Straylight Run]

posted by Allison Francis @ 7:51 PM