Look Up

"These last three years, I know they've been hard
but now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun
even if it's alone."

I'm not a negative person. I believe in humanity and in love and in the beautiful brevity of life as much as anyone I know. But it's gotten so goddamn hard lately. Being in school is a joke because I don't care, and so many of the people there don't have the slightest clue as to what is important in life; at least, that's what their actions convey. I can't sit still or listen to what people say because my mind's only on one thing. My best friend is dying, painfully, but everything else is floating on okay and that's not right to me. No one expects me to be happy but it's still so frustrating when I can't find comfort in anything within reach.

I'm so afraid. I know I can't be the only one. If things go as planned, I'll be living in a new city just a few months from now. Maybe 3,000 miles away. And the thought of a city of people who don't know a thing about me, or necessarily care, is totally overwhelming. Anything could happen; this could go either way. If I end up feeling worse, I don't know how I'll handle it.

Everyone's counting the minutes 'til class is over, the weeks 'til spring break, the months 'til we get out of Portland. Myself included. But when the countdown's over, no one's ever satisfied.

I'm trying to find something, anything, that could serve as a balm. And I suspect that nothing will be enough. But the scariest part is thinking about how I'll live through it all.

"We are here to make you feel,
it terrifies you, but it's real."

posted by Allison Francis @ 3:00 PM