Look Up

Today I was playing guitar by myself in the choir room at Jesuit while my friends were onstage rehearsing for "Nine Lives," Lauren's cabaret-esque show of her life -- (which by the way, is this Friday and Saturday at 7:30 at Jesuit; all are welcome, and it's free) -- but anyways, I started playing "Tears in Heaven" and was remembering how Miko played it at Brett Davies's funeral the summer after our freshman year, and suddenly I glanced at my phone and realized it was June 11th, 2006 -- exactly two years after he died.

With unexpected sensitivity I started crying. I thought about how, for me, an immeasurable amount has changed, and how, in that time, I've learned to love life. I was crying because I just know that if Brett had lasted through that time in his life, he would've been okay, and someday, he would have learned to love life, too. I spoke out loud to Brett about hoping he has found a way to somehow live, and continue to love, and for his family, that they're still able to feel his care. I put down the guitar and started playing "Konstantine" on the piano; it was one of my favorite songs around the time of that summer. It's a passionate and vulnerable song, and as I played and sang, the lights began to flicker, almost in rhythm.

It didn't seem strange to me, though, partially because I was so wrapped up in the song and feelings and partially because I figured that my friends onstage were somehow accidentally tweaking with the building's electricity. I played on. There's this climatic moment in the song because it's a beautiful nine minutes and 36 seconds long, and it goes "did you know I miss you?" seven times. On the third or fourth time, the lights went completely out.

The thing is, my beliefs about what happens after people die are largely undefined, but if I pay attention to my gut, I feel like that was Brett, telling me in a way that he'd heard me and that he still feels everyone down here. It was strange but it was a calm sort of amazing, and I sat in the dark a while just to be.

"It's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life."
[American Beauty]

It's summer. And miraculously, it was a beautiful day.

posted by Allison Francis @ 12:06 AM