Look Up

So many people have these allegedly infalliable theories about life and death. Myself included -- we're here to love until we die, and we'll only live on in what we've left behind. So easy to prop these words on top of each other; they make enough sense. The truth is, though, even in sincerity, it's all bullshit. Bullshit inflated with hope and fear.

I've been reading a lot of Chuck, going a little crazy, and I can't say I've been feeling that optimistic lately.

But it's just difficult when death is on the impending horizon. And instead of a metaphor, it's my best friend. Instead of the beautiful circle of life, it's watching her literally fall before I get the chance to catch her. It's a migraine headache. It's alternating between lying in bed all day and trying to make it to the toilet in time to throw up. It's us, walking through seperate hells and expecting the worst.

And maybe some people who read this, maybe you are nodding your heads. Maybe you're thinking about that "Good Will Hunting" monologue:

"And if I asked you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone could level you with her eyes. Feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you, who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it’s like to be her angel and to have that love for her to be there forever. Through anything. Through cancer. You wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in a hospital room for two months holding her hand because the doctors could see in your eyes that the term visiting hours don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself. I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much."

And as much as you don't want to believe it, maybe that applies to you. I mean, maybe not, but who do you love? How do you show it? Do you know how this will end? I'm going to say it outright; the kind of comradery I feel around my oh-so-tight class means so little next to what I know is the strongest love I've experienced. It's not like I expect things to change, but I'm so disillusioned by this false sense of what love is.

Hey, I haven't lost anybody yet, either. I don't know when it will happen, and I don't know what it's going to feel like. But I know that it's coming.

I don't have words of hope, because right now, I don't feel much.

posted by Allison Francis @ 3:45 PM