Look Up

One nice thing about Blogger, I've discovered, is that there's not quite the same social pressure to update as Xanga. I don't know why this is but it's definitely the truth. And the comments? Here, they're few, but golden -- for the most part. Keep them coming, far-away friends.

Ohhhh it's 11:11 am by my clock. Damn it. As some of you may know, it hasn't been the good luck charm that it's supposed to be. And for anyone I haven't warned, 3:33 is my least lucky time EVER. It's beyond superstition at this point. Terrible, miserable things have happened at 3:33 and if I glance at the clock once in a bad day, it's bound to be that time. No joke. Just a word of warning, haha.

Second week of school ... wow, just two weeks? I feel like it should be about a month now, at least. The weekends are kind of my recovery time -- for people I want to be with, things I want to do, things I try to feel. It's a lot harder during the school week to control all this, and for me, honestly, it's been an inevitable cycle of finding myself sad. I broke down a little Tuesday night because I realized I couldn't even do anything to change the way I was feeling, and nothing anyone could've said would've changed it either, but at the same time I didn't want to feel completely alone. Late at night I ended up on the phone with Sam, crying, just kind of lost, I guess -- and it's hard putting your friends in the position when they're unhappy with how they see you're feeling, but finding there isn't much they can do about it. I've been there, it's fucking maddening. And then I'll get frustrated because I wish I could be healed by the love of my friends, because honestly? As much as I bitch and kid about not having any, they are there, there are tons of people who care about me, but sometimes I just can't feel anything back.

Eventually, I had to hang up the phone -- it was past midnight and I had a cross country race the next day in Canby. I fell asleep listening to the song "Fix You" by Coldplay. The lyrics of which I doodled during periods 1-4 on Thursday. And when Sam gave me a note at lunch, the same lyrics stuck in my head were drawn across the top:

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you can't REPLACE

It was probably the nicest letter I've ever been written.

So yes. This is pretty blatant honesty, not encoded, as maybe it should be in a blog like this, but I'm sad. However. For all the strength I feel drained of, for the lack of motivation in running and so much else, for the great distance of the time that I can find something to look forward to -- I have love. If nothing else, I have love. I could hold on forever, and maybe it'd be the only thing that kept me alive. But I'd be alive, wouldn't I?

Love.

"You cannot give somebody joy, but you can find it by trying
You can't save someone from death, but you can love them while they're dying."
[Gratitude]

posted by Allison Francis @ 10:59 AM