Look Up

Listen to The Bus Stop by Theart.

Sometimes I wonder if the things I want to be are really just things I am.
And maybe they just haven't come out yet.

I'd like to think that's how it is.

There are things I'm afraid of being.
I'm afraid that as much as I say I'd like to go to an east coast school in Boston, New York, or D.C. that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I turned down a trip to Europe without even thinking about it just because I wanted to be here with people I know.


I rationalize that with the fact that I won't be able to be with these people forever. And my friends are amazing and who wouldn't want to spend time with them, right? And on and on.

But I don't want to be someone stuck in Portland, Oregon just because I recognize things and people and feelings. It's not that I think it's not a wonderful place to live or that I shouldn't be content staying somewhere; it's just that there is so much more and I don't want to settle for something that's always familiar and just fine.

Like, I don't know. There's a lot of people I can let go of. There's a lot of people that I see on a regular basis now, but in a year, or maybe less or more, I'll never talk to them. But some people I won't let go of. Because I don't want to and because I don't know how and because I couldn't do it if I tried -- and I don't want to try. I don't know if this is a flaw of too much loyalty or misguided love, but I really hope not because truthfully the only option for me is to follow these feelings.

And that's where the initial question gets scary. Sometimes I wonder if the things I want to be are really just things to keep me hoping. There's just too much I want to be. And maybe all I can be is an older version of things I am now.

(different kinds of happy)

But I really hope not.

"I'm searching for words but I'm blind and I've lost concern of anything I could ever find in the dark. I've pondered the fact that maybe I'm too opaque. Or maybe I'm dull and I overuse what I lack.

The season is ending and I'm still waiting for your call. I misunderstood that you understand all of my faults. Through all of my dreams, you woke me up.

This faith that we've wanted, this faith that we've needed, this faith that we've gotten is more than we need. So why do we fight? Why do we fight?

If we're empty, what borders us? If we can't think, then where is our trust? If we're sailing and our minds are set, where are our eyes and where are our heads?

And I won't leave this world without you. And blithely I, won't let you past my hand. And I won't leave this world without you."

Yet I know that when it comes down to it there is only one thing I can be that I know that I'll be okay with no matter what.

posted by Allison Francis @ 10:20 AM 1 comments

This will destroy you.

This weekend, I was driving with someone I love an hour and a half from Portland into Monmouth, Oregon. It was beautiful -- bare tree branches stood out starkly upon the sherbert colored sky, creating a picture I couldn't possibly capture on film (though I tried). We were listening to "Trapeze Swinger" and often singing along and I kept thinking "Okay, time -- stop. This is good. Or, here? No?" But no, not then. Nor during "What Sarah Said" or "Acoustic #3".

We could never stop time, no matter where it leads us.

Long car rides through places you've never seen have a tendency to make you think. Or at least give you room to. So on the way home I looked up to the dark cloudy sky, around to the other speeding cars, and ahead to the city lights. I wished the stars were out. I wondered where the other cars were going but realized I didn't care. Looking ahead I realized that it's been hard, and it's only going to get harder.

I don't have something clean, easy, or inspirational to tie this up with. All I know is that I will always be here. My best friend is going to be okay, and the rest of us are, too, and someday we'll all be together and it won't hurt like it does now.

I believe in your victory.

posted by Allison Francis @ 11:44 PM 2 comments