This morning I woke up cold, rain pounding on the roof, to find a note from my dad:
Allison --
if you're running with the team today, you'll probably need to
get a ride to Washington Park, although if you get desperate,
cell me. I think I can do the pickup, however.
This would be a good day to work on the paper that's due tomorrow.
Love
D
The Seasonal-Affected-Disorder-inducing weather, combined with my least favorite hills, and the cheery note of encouragement about my paper adds up to a very clear sum: instead of scrambling around to find a ride to cross country practice, I'd take a daytime D'Lish bath with candles and Nico to ponder over the fact that tonight is a school night. As of today I've been listening to this song non-stop; it's called "Fairest of the Seasons":
"Now that it's light, now that the candle's falling smaller in my mind
Now that it's here, now that I'm
almost not so very far behind
I want to know, do I stay or do I go, and maybe follow another sign
and do I really have a song that I can ride on?"
I'll admit, I'm feeling a sense of desperation about the beginning of this school year. I'm an upperclassman -- what? Ever since 8th grade I've been relatively young, enjoying the excitement and wisdom my older friends offered. My closest friends are two years older than me; it's insane to think that I could become close with kids who are just now coming into high school. I hope it doesn't sound egotistical to say that I think I'd be a good older friend to have, having gotten so much from
my older friends and realizing that value ... and bringing my own experiences to share.
Having quit MySpace cold turkey, I don't want to fall out of touch with the people who really matter, so I'm reverting to my middle school hobby of e-mail. And now I'm slightly obsessed. I started e-mailing with Alex Ward and now it's with Sam, Jimmy, Kelsey, Kathryn... join the masses: drop me a line at
moomoo915@hotmail.com (yes, my middle school e-mail address) and I promise to write back. It sounds dumb but it's nice to just catch up and trade little stories and frusterations back and forth.
But yeah. I've got to finish reading
the Glass Menagerie and writing the paper accompanying it... it's a late start day tomorrow, which is a compassionate gesture on the part of the Jesuit administration, I suppose. Hope, pray, wish on 11:11 (or maybe some other time, seeing the lack of luck I've had with it)... and believe it or not I'll probably be thinking of you, too.
"Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there, when you come back down."
[Nickel Creek]
Hello friends. It's nice to see that I've already got a couple people reading this. I didn't crossover from xanga because I didn't want people to read what I write, this place just seems like it's less Myspace-y, less trying to look scene, more real writing and catching up on someone's life. More introspective... more self-centered, perhaps -- whatever. It's hard to avoid a blog being self-centered anyway; isn't that almost the point?
Anyway, I'm grounded this week. It's kind of dumb; I was supposed to be going from my friend Sam Ward's barbeque
to pick up Tai for a sleepover, but I deviated from 'the plan' by dropping by Miko's to say goodbye which my dad looked at as dishonest, or something. And beyond that, one of the three people in high school who I hang out with(haha), Sam, had
just gotten back into town from Europe and we all wanted to hang out but my dad insisted I come back home and basically I refused and a group of us just hung out at Starbucks and talked. And then, you
know, hit up like three frat parties and did drugs and stuff, but that shouldn't have been a big deal. No, but it was stupid; I was with safe kids in a relatively safe place and I was home by 11:30. It's frusterating when you're basically a good kid but your parents still don't trust you or give you that much freedom. I'm sure some of you have experienced this to much greater extremes.
My friends are cute, huh?
So, at the moment I'm working on putting all my music on my iTunes, taking a break from cleaning my room and reading
The Glass Menagerie for school on Tuesday... not to mention writing a three page reflection on it afterwards. Sounds lame I guess but at least I'm not on Myspace or drugs, right? And good thing I'm not flipping out about the paper, right; I mean, we've still got a solid two days left of summer, right?
... right. It's also a good thing that I'm not sarcastic, at all.
Today after dropping Tai at home I was sleeping in and intermingled with a strange dream I was having, I heard a wonderfully familiar, singsong-y voice beckon: "it's Lauren, you bitch, pick up your phone! Lauren! I wanna talk to her so bad, so PICK UP YOUR PHONE! I'm
leaving, you're going to miss me
so much; you
love me!" And in spite of the slight rudeness of the beckoning I embraced it. I've always said I hated talking on the phone and that I lack the skill which every other Jesuit girl seems to have programmed into them, but I don't even care when it's hearing from someone who's away. Okay, certain people, maybe, make the difference, but it's just a good feeling to know you haven't been forgotten. Oh love.
"In a bulletproof vest with the windows all closed
I'll be doin' my best, I'll see you soon."
[Coldplay]
Yesterday I parallel parked for the very first time. As you can see from this low-quality camera phone picture, it wasn't exactly a tight fit, but being the expert driver I am(ha), I still had plenty of trouble with it. I would've rather parked blocks away but my dear friend Taimi insisted that I learn to parallel park right NOW. I was somewhat dissentful. Also, I don't see myself applying my newfound makeshift skill in the future. Mainly because I don't think I could do it again without taking a good 10 or 15 minutes and having someone with me. So oh well.
Speaking of Tai, well, I love her. We met late last school year, bonding through our similar experiences of having moved out of our mothers' homes. And this summer we've grown to be close friends ... unfortunately, she's leaving Thursday until Christmastime and I've got another solid two years of high school. My other close friend, Lauren, left early Wednesday morning ...
and it was so hard to say goodbye. So very bittersweet. I met Lauren the summer before 8th grade and have always looked up to her, but only in the past year or so have we become real friends. And I've loved it, and I love her. And honestly, it has been rough just these past few days, knowing it'll be months till I'll see her again, but at least I can take comfort in the fact that any pain I feel comes only from loving deeply. So it still sucks, and how dramatic to say this, but I'd sacrifice happiness for love any day. I know that I'll have this great love as long as I hold on to it -- and I know that with this, I'll never be empty.
So I'm afraid of this year, to be honest. I mean, I'll embrace the best of it, I'll tackle it with vivacity ... I know I'll be okay. I can't believe I have another whole summer of this, though, amazing times, bittersweet goodbyes, and being left behind. On one hand I'm afraid of letting myself go in some ways, this year, but when I think about it, I want Lauren & Tai to come home and be proud of the way I've changed. I know I'll feel weak, but cliche as it sounds, I just want to be true to myself. Before she left, Lauren wrote me a card and said the simplest thing, but it made so much sense: "if you're not proud of yourself, I probably won't be either." And it just helped sharpen my perspective so much ... I just want to be the best person I can be, for the people I love, and for myself.
Seeing my friends getting ready to head off to 'real life' has really made me excited about college for the first time. I want to get out of state, get out of the Jesuit kids social circle after high school, experience as many new things as possible. I want to see so much and meet interesting people and love throughout it all. Although I fear this year, I also have an inner strength, in that, for the first time, really ... well I may not know exactly who I am or what I'm going to do, but I know who I want to be. And where I want to go. And I think just knowing this and wanting this will take me as far as I will go.
"Maybe, as sure as tomorrow will come."
[Iron & Wine]
Hello there.
As it often is with me, I feel awkward. Although I am somewhat of a veteran of online blogs, this is a new place for me and I have yet to find my voice. It's exciting, too, though, to see "ohhh you can blog from your CELL PHONE" and all these cool feautures, all new to me. Hopefully this will work out as a good place to write.
Starting this coming Tuesday, I'm going to be a junior in high school. At Jesuit. Which is, as my friends most likely know, an unusual school in that it is terribly affluent ... terribly being the operative word, unfortunately. There's a high level of competition in academics, sports, the social ladder, and dear old Jesuit has been known to swallow many teenagers, desperately trying to find their place and learning how to cope with the fact that here, this person as an individual will never be the best at anything. But we as a school will be good at
everything.
I write this with the intention of sounding tongue-in-cheek, just to clarify. There is a lot of anomosity towards Jesuit, and completely understandably. If it's not obvious, I, too, have a lot of anomosity towards my high school. Registration was today: the long process of ardous lines and heavy books and school ID photos. Bound to be hellish, but I think it's safe to say that my less-than-positive attitude towards the whole ordeal made it that much more enjoyable. Anyways, we start Tuesday, as I said. One of my closest friends leaves for Northeastern University in Boston the day after. It should be a lot of exciting emotions and sources of anxiety for one week!
But I'm through being sarcastic and bitter. For now.
"Here comes the rain again, falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are.
As my memory rests, but never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends."
[Green Day]
