"You already know, you already know, you already know how this will end."
And we do, don't we? Clearly, life is futile. And you can take that knowledge one of two ways: fuck it and party hard because tomorrow, we may die ... or take the moment, right now, because it will end.
I feel that this is all I write about, this taking ahold of life and living. Then again, I haven't written in a while. I'd like to think that this is not just because I'm lazy and void of inspiration, but rather, I've been spending my time in the real world.
I feel much older than I used to feel. I finished applying to college two days ago. Now all I have to do is finish out school, and wait. I've felt somewhat private the past few days. I'd say alone, but I don't want to sound emo; it's more just like, I feel like I move in and out of other peoples' lives mostly when I want to, as opposed to watching everyone come in and out of my life. I guess it's inevitable that a little more independence can lead to a little more sense of loneliness. I've been working more often, too. The other night a lady named Grace, who is very old and normally somewhat slow but very kind, kept leaning and lurching forward in her chair. I said, "are you sure you're okay?" And she looked directly into my eyes and said "no, I'm not okay, I'm dying." I didn't know how to respond.
So I made her an egg salad sandwich.
"You always wanted to believe.
Just ask and you'll receive.
Beyond your wildest dreams.
And you already know how this will end."
Maybe you don't feel so optimistic about how things are going in your life or in the world in general. But if you're here, there's at least a tiny part of you that believes it's worth it. Please, hold onto that.
posted by Allison Francis @ 12:12 AM
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