A life is time, they teach us growing up
The seconds ticking killed us all
a million years before the fall
I stepped outside to see the last moments of the eclipsed moon, but the trees blocked my view. My summer song drifted from inside and I looked up at the stars, wondering whether satellites or life moved faster.
From the corner of my eye, I saw the moon, nestled between hidden branches like a secret in the palm of a hand. Clouded and golden, it was beautiful. I looked up, my hands in my pockets, a cold tear on my cheek.
I miss you. I said it without words.
In this quiet night, the trees began to sway. The wind moaned softly and I listened, trusting. She told me I was going to be alright. I felt it everywhere. Just as gracefully, she drifted away, and the night was still.
I believe her.
A little while ago I was looking through old letters I'd written Lauren and I found one from last year (2006) saying something along the lines of, fuck. I'm going to lose you and I can't stand it and I want to be set free from it. So I'll just say goodbye now so we can go on living. Goodbye.
Well, I'm leaving for Boston in three weeks and I'm not ready but I won't be able to stop it, so, fuck. I don't even know if I want to go but I'm going and that's that. So I might as well stop worrying about not having enough time because that's always how it's been. I'm leaving, but I've got three weeks, so I'm going to live right here and now and see how that goes before I face anything else.
This summer has been so much different from all the other summers I've seen. After a bitter breaking-away from my high school life I'm left with decisions about where I want to be. Quite honestly it's been a time of struggling to get through all the missing and the sadness and the frustration to find (and more importantly, to hold onto) the warmth in my life. Because there's a lot of it, but being the inherently flawed human that I am... it's like I close my eyes to take a break from all this, and when I open them, I see myself pushing away from people and things that matter.
I'm just really trying to keep my eyes open.
