Look Up

"Please remember me, my misery
and how it lost me all I wanted...
circles round the well, and where it spells
on the wall behind St. Peter's
so bright with cinder gray in spray paint:
'who the hell can see forever?'"

Every time I pull out my old red notebook, which used to be my most reliable place to write in, I feel like a traitor for not writing in so long. But then I think that maybe "the red books" were just meant for a certain time period of my life.

Relatedly, I've been listening to Jimmy Eat World's "Clarity" a lot lately. Which I used to be obsessed with and gradually just stopped listening to. It, too, reminds me of a very specific point in my life -- where nothing happened. Somehow, it's still very vivid to me. Mainly I just remember winter night drives home, by myself in my stepdad's car which I used to drive ... the sunroof would be open to the frosty night air and to the stars, and I would speed pointlessly and scream along to "Crush," "Just Watch the Fireworks ," and "For Me, This is Heaven." I've seen so much and been so many places since then. It's funny to think about.

Mainly it just makes me nostalgic for any sort of sad past. Like saying goodbye. Like waking up at four in the morning and knowing that from that point on things would never be the same and not yet realizing that what I needed to do was hold on, without holding anyone back. And lying three to a hammock as close and as together as we could possibly get.

Again. Things have changed a lot since then. And I don't know how everyone else feels about me, but I'm convinced that the good won't come out of me. So as easy as it would be to second guess everything and doubt myself, I'd rather just sit back and not only accept things how they are, but enjoy them.

Inspirational as fuck, huh?

"Nowhere and then nowhere, living trapped inside the chase
Our weakness is the same: we need poison sometimes.
So take another drink with me.
Look into my eyes and blame no one."
[Jimmy Eat World]

posted by Allison Francis @ 8:53 PM