I picture you
in the sun...
"I'm sitting in math class, not paying attention because we're correcting the homework I didn't do. My gums hurt. I can feel my wisdom teeth coming in. I'm wearing my Portland Love sweatshirt. I'm thinking about how to get out of the JUG I got from the substitute teacher in Spanish class yesterday, and whether or not I'll go for a run after school. And how this moment, dull though it may be, is more precious than any moment I'll have when you're gone."
Most of the time when my thoughts are expressed in words I have written the phrases much sooner than my pen hits the paper, or my fingers touch the keyboard.
Today I went on my first real run since cross country season, three or so miles around the old, familiar Fairmount loop -- something which used to be an easy Sunday morning run. Before I even set out I pictured myself writing, "it felt just how running used to and should feel. Back to the healthiest days of my sophomore year when it was my outlet for rage and a catalyst of joy. It hurt, but in a good way." After the first mile though, I knew this would be a lie. It hurt like hell. The ligaments in my knees were so tight I feared they'd snap and my ankles were weak and unforgiving. I tried to channel all I cared about into staying strong and I went so far as to pray I could keep running.
And I obviously made it home in one piece, but I would like to feel stronger than I did today.
I miss you.
"When you showed me myself, you know
I became someone else
But I was caught in between
all you wish for and all you need
I pictured you fast asleep
A nightmare comes; you can't keep awake.
May God's love be with you, always."
[Joseph Arthur]
"And that's when I knew I really loved her.
Because there was nothing to gain, and that didn't matter."
[Perks of Being a Wallflower]
It's 3:00 AM on the first day of the week. Instead of starting the analytical portion of my term paper on Joan Didion which is due tomorrow, I just finished recording an acoustic version of "Wonderwall". I'm not worried. I know I'll be tired, but I'll make it through. I believe it is up to me to decide what the important things to feel are.
Like everyone, I don't know how to react. I heard the news of our world changing last Tuesday night and it still doesn't make sense. Like everyone, I'm devastated in the deepest way. I'm not yet beyond the somewhat random and overwhelming bursts of fear and sadness and frustration, but they are becoming more sparse. I explained tonight that I often feel guilty for being anything less than completely dumbstuck but my feelings haven't changed and I still care harder than I care about anything else. I know I don't have to apologize for my feelings because I know you understand but still. You know? I know you do.
but after all.
For you, I will be here in every way I can dream of existing. And no matter how little I know about life, I can solemnly swear and sincerely believe that our love will live, for whatever forever there may be.
"I wasn't sure what to expect, but now I couldn't wish for more of anything but time."
I wrote that a little over a week ago and then decided I'd rather spend time with my friends instead of blogging about them.
Well I've got time now. I'm grounded for a typical amount of New Year's trouble, and no one can come over here and I can't go to my friends houses' (I'm allowed to go out to other places, till 6pm...?) and this goes on for two weeks, then another two weeks of no sleepovers. But I could care less about that; this week is the one that hurts. New Year's Eve and the day after were maybe the worst days I can remember ever having. All I did yesterday was sleep and cry and regret things. I take full responsibility for what happened, and I'm not looking for sympathy, but it just really sucks.
But hey, everything up till then was really amazing. The real-life airport scenes were surreal and felt like a dream and the rest was simple and wonderful and I couldn't really wish for more.
Subjecting myself to being the doll/project/WHATEVER she loves me, okay?
And we were finally together.
I don't understand how this beautiful girl can distort her face to this horrifying degree.
Some intense Cranium with the gang...
And the best moments, I don't have pictures of. Like 4 AM freestyling rap battles (call my dead cell phone and listen to my answering machine to hear a product of the night, haha), hours and hours of "Sex & the City" with the corresponding stories and questions, on my end, and Zoo Lights and late night drives, and singing and dancing and playing music, and three to a bed every night, and talking so late and loving and loving and loving so much I could feel it in my chest and head and everywhere.
I'm not going to lie, though, I'm really afraid of saying goodbye for a second time. The first goodbyes, in late August, are still so vivid and bittersweet and I guess I'm just afraid of how everything will be without them, again. And just in the past couple days a lot has changed in how I think about things and I think I need these people and I don't know why that is but I believe it. And I might even want to be a better person.
BORN ON THE CUSP by the American Analog Set.
I'll be here.
