Look Up

Hello. It's a weeknight, and I write because for once, I have little to no homework.

Homecoming weekend was a smashing success, and some of the photos from which are available here. All in all it came down to the cliche, "everything is what you make it." You have to understand it's a meaningless, soon-to-be-forgotten high school dance, and do your best to have fun regardless. As soon as this change in mindset occurs, everything else just seems to work out for the best. But I'm sure the readers of this behind-the-times blog already knew that.

The next day was marvelous, too: me and a couple of girls jumped into leaf piles made with rakes and leafblowers; we took a mini-roadtrip to Sauvie's Island and ventured into the cornmaize and ate caramel apples, discovered and carved the perfect pumpkins, took pictures and listened to mixtapes. It was the freest I've felt since summer, and it was so relieving and good to be with people again, to talk honestly, and to feel -- for life, you know?

Now that cross country is over -- for life, an utter relief -- I have started coming home to an empty house in the afternoon. And stealing away with my dad's acoustic guitar and playing hard and pretending I can sing. I am so very rusty at the ol' six string, but since I'll have so much free time, sort of ... maybe I can get back to where I once was. (God-like, if you're wondering.) No, but it's nice to have some sort of a relief I can keep to myself. And the extremely loud shrill yell/sing combination is a good outlet as well.

"Oh fall, you're a comfortable lover
but I just can't take all the decay!"

Download Last by Gratitude. And if you ever have the oppurtunity to see them live, take it.

I'd had more written but blogger is being a bitch and honestly I don't feel like writing it again.

Love.

posted by Allison Francis @ 8:59 PM 2 comments

I love concerts. From the pounding and vibrations of the music, to the heat of the masses of bodies, to the wafting scent of marijuana smoke, shows are vividly sensory experiences all around. I went to Iron & Wine last night at the Roseland. Me and my friend Mariel were in a pretty mellow mood, which at some point during the night, turned to lethargy ... but it was a nice show nonetheless. Calexico, M. Ward, and the lead singer of the Shins also played -- gotta love Portland. The highlight was, of course, Sam Beam playing with his sister: if their voices weren't as perfect as they are on their records, they were most definitely more alive and soulful. Here's a song from the new Iron & Wine/Calexico EP called 16, Maybe Less.

Read the book White Oleander by Janet Fitch. It contains maybe some of the best writing I've ever experienced. I've also finished reading Chuck Palahniuk's Survivor. Of course I liked it -- I mean, it's Chuck -- but I thought it was lacking in something I can't describe. I've got two more books of his to go, Choke and Stranger than Fiction, and I'm highly looking forward to them.

"People don't want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown."

That articulates one thing I tried to explain last Monday afternoon, when I found myself at a friend's house, first bitching and venting, eventually crying and explaining. At the time it didn't seem profound, more relieving than anything else, but that day was a turning point for me. At least, it inspired me to make a decision. Which, in simplest terms, is to be kinder. And I think I can see just that change making a difference in how happy or sad I am.

Homecoming is tonight! I hadn't expected to want to go until a couple of days ago. Maybe the change in attitude came with the breakdown, or with the junior class's amazing Powderpuff victory, but somehow, I am very excited for the evening.

About 55 days till Heaven, and salt.

"I've been held back by something
Yeah, you said to me quietly on the stairs
Always love. Hate will get you every time.
Always love."
[Nada Surf]

posted by Allison Francis @ 10:09 AM 3 comments

Coming in after a rushed drive to make curfew, I immediately found my deserted red notebook and wrote the following:

"I feel so strange.
I was just at Amanda Heminger's. We watched Waking Life, this movie which is basically about dreams, life, and different theories on both. It puts you in a really confused yet content mood. The drive home was strange. I was so tired that I had to remind myself to keep my focus. It was raining hard and in some stretches of road there was so much fog I felt like I might as well be blind because I had no control.
Over the Sylvan exit, a parked car had its hazards on ... I stopped to say, 'is there anything I can do? Are you guys all right?' and one boy talked to me and said yes, the other's mom was on the way, but thanks so much! And I drove away and thought about how I could've married that kid but we'd probably never see each other again. And on curvey Humphrey Boulevard I startled myself by driving through this HUGE splash in a ridge and thought about how I could change my future entirely simply by letting go of the wheel. And how if I died no one would ever really know what I'd been thinking and that boy might not even find out that he was the last person I spoke to."


"They say dreams are only real as long as they last. Couldn't you say the same thing about life?"

Oh -- and download this Say Hi to Your Mom song. It's called Let's Talk about Spaceships. And as silly as it sounds, I really love its honesty and sweetness. So give it a chance, please.

I wouldn't mind another one, either.

MORNING UPDATE: Pretty much, Waking Life gave me the most confusing dreams I could ever have. I don't even remember exactly what I dreamed about except that they mostly consisted of me being like, "is this a dream? This is a dream, isn't it. Okay, I'm lucid dreaming; what do I do now." But I think for the most part the people in my dream acted annoyed that I denied their reality. And I slept till nearly one trying to control these dreams. Oh man.

posted by Allison Francis @ 11:52 PM 5 comments

Hello,

Please download this song: The Umbrellas - The City Lights
"I've pushed away the dreams and spoiled all the quiet
Propelled by fear and not been righteous
So have you been to a place like this?
To see your breath as dreams against the sky
The fever is near, I wish you were here."

Basically, youth sucks because I'm feeling that me-against-the-world mindset and hearing all those discouraging voices my friends have told me about. How I will not like writing as a profession because the pay is too low, how I am not an original, and furthermore, a bitch.

Well if I don't make enough money to have cable television I'll have the OC and all I eat is cereal anyways and all I wear are my best friends' sweatshirts and my cords so I'll get by, and appreciate it. And if I'm not an original at least I know it: "At least I can admit it. Can you? Can you look at yourself in the mirror and admit that you are no different from every other bundle of bones on the planet? And maybe all that makes us difference are our hands, what they touch and what we do with them." (That was paraphrased from Please Don't Kill the Freshman but I'm pretty sure it's pretty close.) And a bitch? Grrl, pLeeeeZe! I'm so sick of stupid high school drama. I can't believe any of us even take ourselves seriously when we're involved with shit like that.

End rant that really would not have any other context but in an angsty online blog.

Basically I've been really restless. It's kind of the cliche of a hole in my life/heart/what have you, that nothing here could fill. I remember little things and they're what make me miss people most.

Today Caitlin Cruickshanks and I ventured out to the Portland Memorial "for the newspaper". I put that in quotes not because it's a flat-out lie, because I did write an article about it, but mainly I enjoy writing Unraveling the Fringe because it gives me an excuse to explore wonderful Portland. I can't really explain why it was so amazing, but it was. A mausoleum! You would never imagine its charm.

Pictures can be found here.

Check out this letter taped to a child's tomb:

"Nicholas--
I'm writing this to clear my mind.
I'm writing this because it is Mother's Day. I am your mother, and you are my son.

You were more than just a pregnancy.
You are my child.
You were my dreams.
You were my future.

You were to be a lot of things, dear child...
And now ... now you are my son.
You will stay alive in my heart and soul
and someday I will cradle you in my arms again."

For some reason reading this brought me to tears right there, in one of the many, seemingly generic freezing hallways. There are so many stories and we should not try to forget them, in order to save ourselves from pain.

So I continue to remember. Here, I'll be.

Goodnight.

posted by Allison Francis @ 11:28 PM 1 comments

Because I am not nearly cool or indie enough to have a real mp3 blog, I've decided to share maybe one song per entry. So here it is (follow the link and wait to be able to click the 'download' button) : Since U Been Gone - covered by Ted Leo.

So. It's nearly mid-October. Which means, about 2 months till salt (Sam/Allison/Lauren/Tai, for the uninformed) reunites. Which doesn't sound that bad... but considering how long (or not long) they've been gone ... it's so out of reach.

I came to the simple realization today that sometimes you just feel a certain way and there's nothing else to it. You don't need complex words or thought processes to fully articulate it because it's truly simple. Tonight I was lying on Clare's bed when she was in the other room and James Blunt's "Goodbye my Lover" was on the stereo and I thought about how much I miss my friends who are gone. And I don't really need to say anything else. Because all it is, is, I miss them so much and want to be with them again.

I left Clare's and returned to the ragin' party at Jill's (rather under control actually but with quite a few people in attendance) and took a walk with this girl Caitlin and it was cold and wet out but we went streaking anyways. For me it was kind of an act of defiance against the stupid wet weather soaking my stupid tired spirit. Naked shrieking girls running down a dark street, adrenaline pumping, terrified of getting caught ... very cliche teenager. It made me think of summer and how much easier it was to be happy back then. For me, I was given the world, and the chance to do whatever I wished with it. So I did. Now that's all gone and I'm not really that good of a person and it's hard to find peace in such lonely times.

Driving home in the fog I could barely see and I was listening to my mixtape and I felt angry and desperate, and I skid dangerously on the curves, and I drove by Lauren's house, and I couldn't believe how much I missed her.

"Scars are souvenirs you never lose, the past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
Don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?"
[Goo Goo Dolls]

posted by Allison Francis @ 12:05 AM 3 comments

and in that moment ...

what's up - four non blondes
slow suicide - jamison parker
cloud 9 - distorted penguins
sympathy - goo goo dolls
neighborhood #1(tunnels) - arcade fire
soul meets body - death cab for cutie
all these things that ive done - the killers
we both go down together - the decemberists
fairest of the seasons - nico
it just is - rilo kiley
i will follow you into the dark - death cab for cutie

posted by Allison Francis @ 5:56 PM 2 comments